Sunday, November 12, 2006

Alive and kicking...

Ok, even I can't stand seeing my Halloween post anymore...sheesh! Driving me nuts and it's my own blog.

11:05 p.m. on Sunday night and I am tired and have zero motivation. I spent too much time out in the cold today which literally sucks the life out of me. And what did I accomplish outside? NODDA!

Nodda damn thing.
Yeah, you go, Tam!

Mom Update: Real quick like too. My Mom came home last Tuesday. She no longer takes Coumadin (Thank God!) and she has felt pretty well. Not eating a lot of course. *sighs* But other than that ok. She is staying with my sister Connie and her family during the week and then on the weekends they come to her house (which is right next door to me) on the weekends.

This happened for a whole plethora of reasons but the main one being my Mom can not handle Cameron and in turn I can not deal with the range of emotions I feel from that. I am a grown adult. I understand my Mom is suffering from a brain injury. But like I said, I am an adult. Cameron is not. He is a sweet, active, little three year old boy. She yells at him, tells him he is a bad boy if he isn't completrly quiet. Scolds him. Say's infuriating and totally made up things about him like he beats her up and ugh! ridiculous shit like that. I have built a wall that protects me from the hurtful things she says. He is not mature enough to protect himself that way.

Emotionally I was heading to this dark place inside where I was building up anger and disgust toward my mother. Even though the adult in me knew better. Cameron is my child. MY miracle. The child I tried to have for 11 years and lost all hope of having. One of the true gifts to my life. And the internal battle that was raging inside me was taking a major tole on me both mentally and physically. I wasn't sleeping. I had no appetite. I had constant headaches and severe pain in my stomach. (Ulcer, oh joy!) Anyway... This is best for my Mom, me, and my kids. She knows it and I know it. And yet.

A part of me feels like I should be ashamed that I couldn't keep it together.

Sometimes I don't know what I am thinking when I verbalize all this, especially on here. But it helps. Letting it go without having the fear of hurting my family is a source of comfort. I don't want to hurt them. We are all hurting. I am not special. I have received a few email saying I am self-involved, always talking about me, me, me and having pity parties for myself among other things. They hurt but I suppose in part that is true. Sometimes I even hate reading what I type. And I wonder if anyone who does read this must certainly think I am the most whiny, bitchy, *insert your favorite choice of adjective here* person on earth, and that makes me sad. The truth is I am not. I advocate life. Living every single moment like it's your last. Enjoying the art of being. Just being.

But to leave this all here is cathartic. In a lot of ways I just let it go. And in ways it gives me a chance to read it and see it from a different angle. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it does not.

I know I talk a lot about my Mom. BUt when I escape here. It's to escape to a life of beauty, creativity, smiling faces, beautiful art, and cherished memories. I surf blogs relentlessly. That's why you see changes in my reading list to the left all the time. I always seem to find someone out there who touches my life in some sort of way. And that's what the big world of blogging has to offer. Community and common ground. The meet people who share a part of you and they don't even know it.

Lately a lot of blogs have been shutting down and that makes me sad. Mainly because if I know it is shut down it obviously is someone whom I read often. I understand, especially those who have so many other obligations in their life. We all know that sometimes having a blog feels like an obligation. Even I feel that way. But when you share more than a single portion of your life it becomes an avenue of self-exploration with some good benefits like friendships.

That is why I blog.

Pretty plain and simple even though my long-winded self took forever to explain it.


I have been scrapping too. :)
I finished the mini I have been making to journal all the things Cameron says that I want to remember. I did a few last minute retouches to a board book I started forever ago called "The boy who loves planes" another Cam project, AND I finished the flip-flop mini kit I got from Paperdillies.

Now I am working on finishing my "You Think You Know Me" mini from Shimelle's class. And I am so SAD I can't take her new class Journal your Christmas. I want to take this SO BAD but I can't justify spending the money with Thanksgiving and Christmas upon us. I KNOW it is well worth every cent. Shimelle's class was incredible! I can't say enough for how detailed her class was in every aspect. How you are involved from the get-go and how much she inspires you and from so many different aspects. I LOVED taking my first class eva! I LOVED being a part of a huge group of super talented women. I LOVED being given an opportunity to meet women from all over the world and share a common creative goal. And Shimelle- She is a sweetheart. So down to earth and full of life. She makes you love the process. SO if you have an opportunity to take a class with Shimelle- DO IT!
One of the most awesome experiences I have had a chance to partake in. And I am sad it's over.

And on that note I am outta here.


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