Thursday, August 23, 2007

The unknown...

I know...I know...

I haven't posted in a LONG time. My bad. I apologize.
Where have I been?
No where and every where...
How cryptic eh!

Truth is...
I was here. At home. Just absorbed in my own life. I had this sudden need to fill every breathing second with my babies and Dennis. I was...AM... afraid.

I am afraid.
The fact is, and I have mentioned this a kazillion times in previous posts, I am a big wuss. Technically speaking and to be more precise I have an insurmountable fear of the unknown. That scares the crap out of me. And this tumor(s) thing... It is too "unknown" for me to make peace with. And for the last few weeks I have buried myself in things like playing with my kids, coloring, talking about boys (with the Ash, she is almost 16...yikes!), watching movies, walking in the woods, washing walls and organizing cupboards, cabinets, and closets. This has helped me forget about Friday.

Until last night...
I was up 3 times just from hellish nightmares. 3 times. I would get up, go to the bathroom, get something to drink and dream right back into the hell I had just awoke from... Until at 6:30 a.m. I gave up and made coffee.

And today I couldn't focus on any task. So much I feel like I "need" to do... Make sure all the laundry is done, make a master list of where "things" are in case someone needs something, write out a school supply list/school clothes needing still to be purchased list, making a list of food Cameron "will" eat and his routine for bedtime...and explaining to the kids...letting them much I love them.

Why does it always seem that amidst turmoil you always feel like you never said the things you wanted to say or not often enough? It's funny because I tell my kids a 100 times a day I love them...and yet...right now it doesn't feel like enough.


Today the one thing I did manage to accomplish was having some family photos taken. It is the first of all four of us. The photographs were taken here, in our yard where I am most at peace...where I love to be... And there were pictures of just the kids and just Dennis and I...And not posed and serious. I did NOT want that. I specifically asked not to be "posed". All I wanted was for the photographer to capture our realness... together.

I love them. They are simple and powerful. And they capture what I "see" when I think of us...and I can have them tomorrow. Because I need them. I just need them. Before Friday... Before I go to the hospital. And they obliged. And I am grateful.

I have now been off all medicine for 10 days. Dr. Hines ordered all medicine ceased because a few could cause me to bleed out during surgery. Nice thought eh... *sighs* So for the last 10 days I have been in pretty much continuous pain. And yet another reason I haven't stopped... Because sometimes you just have to push through things to survive.

I have to go to St. Mary's in the morning for pre-surgery blood work and registration. Then no foods after midnight tomorrow and no liquids after 6:00 a.m. I have to be back at the hospital at 12:30 p.m. Friday where I will be admitted. My surgery starts at 1:45 p.m.

These are the procedures I am scheduled for:
Operative Hysteroscopy
D & C with Abalation
And possible left ovary and fallopian tube removal.

Unless there is other masses in my cavity.

The joys of the unknown.... And the fear.
And the dread of trying to sleep and the nightmares...

And I'm sorry I haven't updated but I hope you understand...


grungedandy said...

My heart goes out to your whole family, you are in my thoughts & prayers
Having said that I have total faith that although it may be hard going (nothing worth while is ever bl**dy easy) you & yours will be OK. I can’t have only just found you to loose you!! Yes I’m selfish & hey stubborn too, so the powers that be WILL listen to me or there WILL be trouble! (no disrespect) loads of love, hugs & other mushy stuff


Flapsi Hapsi said...

Hope it all goes well for you - am sure it will. Thoughts are with you and your family.

Michelle said...

Take care Deaer! You must be strong - for your family! My thoughts will be with you! I send you my warmest wishes from Poland! I believe that everything will be ok!

Princess Lu the Scatterbrained said...

Thinking of you and hoping you're doing okay. I won't forget you though, as big Arnie says "I'll be back!!!!". Love, Lu

design by