Sunday, July 01, 2007

A title escapes me tonight...

So much I wanted to say tonight...
It's 3:05 a.m.
I can't sleep.

I haven't read my blogs in forever.
But I did tonight...And this made me smile like a giidy kid! Congrats Emily, Mick, and Ivy! Baby Yindi is one of the most adorable infants I have every seen! I just want to smooch her cheeks!

And this made me fully of joy for Elise! I found Elise's blog months ago and emailed her. I have an eye for movers and shakers and I knew she would be one. Congrats Elise! Very deserving!

I got the most wonderful card from my friend Alix in LONDON! It is so beautiful Alix! Made me cry! And I know I never told you, but I always dreamt of visiting London and now, in a way, I feel as though I have...Thank you my friend.

Thank you Flapsi for your sweet comment on my post below...Touched my heart.

I know I have been elusive lately...vague. I'm sorry about that.

I mentioned in a previous post I had some procedures done in hospital last week. I received the results Friday at 5:00 p.m.

My x-rays were all negative for stress fractures = YAY!
My blood work showed an highly elevated white blood cell count for the 4th time in a row = :(
I have to have it all done again Monday, no choice.

And my intra-uterine ultrasound and regular ultrasound showed that my enometrium was severely thickened. And that I have a very measurable tumor that they could not diagnos.
I really just sort of went blank with that.

My doctor is refering me to a gynecological specialist whom I should have an appointment with this week. They are calling me Monday.

The only question that I asked was is it a cyst?
My doctor simply said no.

I have no idea what that means.

I know you're probably thinking what I am thinking now...Why didn't I ask more questions? Honestly...I was in shock. Yes, I realized something was wrong. I honestly thought it might be premenopausal symptoms. I will be 37 this month.

Both of my sister has endometriosis. Both had full hysterectomies before they were 45. Maybe...that's it.

Maybe it's a fibroid?

The funny thing I am more bothered knowing there is a strange mass in body that shouldn't be there. It almost makes me ill thinking about it.

I have been ok. I don't have a "poor me" attitude about this. I wouldhave a breakdown if I let myself believe it could be the "C" word. Not for me but my kids.

So I don't. I live just like always. The one and only thing I did ask Dennis to do was recheck our life insurance and consider raising mine. Seems morbid to some I suppose, but that last thing I would want one my mind if things were to turn out badly is will my kids be ok? Can Dennis afford childcare for Cameron while he works? Will as have a car when she gets her license?

I don't know... I'm ok though. Positive everything happens for a reason and God has a purpose for me, and this journey.

And I really just wanted to write this out to let it release it from the weight it has set on me the last few days. And maybe I can go to sleep. Because that is eluding me tonight and my soul feels heavy.

Not a feeling I revel in, nor enjoy.

And all the good news floating around the blogs made me happy...and appreciative for the small things.

Now I am off in search of that elusive sleep...

Hugs to my friends, wherever you are....


grungedandy said...

Hi, babe

sorry your not feeling to good.
I know what you mean about getting bad or potentialy bad news you kinda go blank! i always find it's a good idea to take a trusted friend with me, as they can hear the news for me & often ask the right questions.

It's nor morbid trying to sort things out while they occure to you, your just being practical.

Any how thnking positive is good! So when's the Birthday? gonna do anything special? don't tell me your not, even if it's having lunch with freinds, day off work or housework (chores) you got to do something to celebrate life!
Dose that make you a Crab or a Lion?
I myself take the whole week off! to recover from the party!LOL

take care


Michelle said...

Hi there! My heart goes out to you durning this rough bit of life. Wish there was something that I could do for you. I would love to send you a card to help...would you send me you addy? Shoot me an email if you are interested. Keep positive and do not hesitate to ask for help, we all hesitate to ask and the help is out there for the asking....thinking of ya. m

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