Monday, October 23, 2006

Time is Relative (Pun totally intended!)

Hello world.

Here I am.
Yep, it's me. Feeling a bit lost lately. So much going on in and around my life I feel like I am having an out of body experience, just watching myself go through the motions like I am sitting in my parents old Buick at the drive in when I was 7 years old.

My Mom turned 74 on Sunday. 74. The women in my family are known for living long lives. It was a somber day. My Mom wasn't feeling well. And lately she has been pretty depressed. She spends a lot of time thinking about what she can't do and not realizing all she can do. And sometimes I think she is giving that she can improve health wise. I have done a lot of internet research on brain surgery, specifically right front lobe aneurysm surgery. Did you know that recovery can take up to and sometimes beyond a year and a half? That is a long time. But it also could never improve. Every case is different. Every body different.

I wish she could focus her attention on what she has to live for. That she can have a good quality of life still. That she has so much left to offer. I wish...I wish...

I say that a lot lately.

And there is a storm brewing in the family. I know it's coming and I dread it. My sister Connie is pissed off at my sister Elaine because she doesn't think she does enough to help with our Mom. There is going to be words, I just know it. And I want nothing-NOTHING- to do with it.

The reality is Elaine and Connie both work 40 hours a week. Connie stays with my Mom at night. I get her from just before 7 a.m. to sometime between 5 and 6 p.m. Elaine visits for a while on weekdays (sometimes) and on the weekends. I think it's also important to note here that we all live on the same road within 10 houses of each other. I don't know... I understand Connie's point of view. Yes, Elaine could do more. A lot more. But in some ways I see why Elaine stays away. It's hard. I know. It's my life from 7 to 6 Monday through Friday. I think she stays away because she can't deal with it. But in all reality we couldn't either but you learn and you do. What's the alternative? A rest home. Which neither my sister nor I think is fair. To my mother or to our children. And the thought of making a decision like that almost makes me sick. Physically sick.

The insuranse companies really piss me off too. They will pay for my Mom to go into a full-time nursing home but they WILL NOT pay for part-time in-home nursing of any sort. Now tell me... How in the hell does that make any sense???? Part-time nursing care at home is so much cheaper than living in a nursing home. Politics and bullshit policies. Excuse my french.

I just feel overwhelmed. Plus I have had this cold for a stright month and can not kick it. 10 days on Keflex that made me sick every single day and to no avail. Thanks modern medicine. And I just feel lost in my own world. No time for myself, no time to just play with the kids and enjoy them. And Dennis hasn't been off since September 1st. Yeah! It will be 8 weeks come November. Not a single day off. November 4th and 5th will be the first weekend off and then no days off until December. Well minus Thanksgiving, he has that off. It's a good thing or I might go postal.

I finished my Happy layout for my YTYKM album but I haven't taken any pictures. That requires time which I find sparse nowadays. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.

Always maybe's...


genevieve said...

hey tam...
i'm sending you some strength...i would send some time if i had it to spare ;). hang in there girl. i know you need the vibes're getting them. keeping wishing. and by the way...your album is ROCKIN. i LOVE your concept and what you made. you go girl!!! steal those moments of time for yourself...wherever you can get them. ANYtime. xog

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