Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The good, the bad, the happy, and the sad...

It has been a supa long time since I blogged.
I have been here.
Even opened up blogger and hit the create post button.
I have a lot to say.
But the words sometimes seem to heavy.

My mood has been funky.
Varying ranges from momentary complete joy to suffocating dread.

But tonight my soul is overflowing and I can't keep all of the randomness inside anymore.
So I am going to ramble on as I sit here in the middle of the night, at my desk, in my middle of no where house listening to The Diva Craft Lounge on World Talk Radio.

If you can handle it. Read on.
If not escape now.

Flash back.
Memorial Weekend.
Camping was fun. Thursday night the campground was completely empty other than my family and my sister Elaine and her husband Dale. We had a wonderful chilly weather dinner of homemade potato soup and fresh baked bread. Everyone went to bed fairly early except my sister Elaine and I. We sat at the campfire alone in the middle of a warm rain under umbrellas drinking cold beer and talking. Nothing life altering but remarkable in it's simpleness and beauty. Truly a memory I will cherish for always.

By Friday evening the campground was completely packed all 150+ sites. My other sister and her hubby arrived, my mom, my niece's and their spouses. We had great food, great drinks, and great times.

Sunday we did a 16 mile tubing trip.
So much fun it should have been outlawed.
If you ever have a chance to float down a river with good friends and family and see part of the world you can't see from the beaten path...Do it!

Amazing memories made.

The week following our camping trip- not so fun...

All of us were sick.
First Ash..
Then Dennis...
Followed by me...
And poor little Cameron bringing up the rear.

When Dennis was at the doctor she noticed a lump on his leg. She was concerned and scheduled it to be removed and sent to the University of Michigan to be tested for cancer. The procedure was done in office. Local anesthesia. Required 15 stitches.

The good and hopeful news is that 80% of the time these things are benign. We have not heard the results yet but we are hopeful it is nothing. But I am carrying this "thing" with me. I hate it. I am praying a lot.

Ash graduated from 8th grade and is starting high school next year. It makes us both proud and a little sad to know before long she won't be gracing my everyday with her presence. I am so proud of her. She has made incredible strides in her academic work this year. She made honor roll every semester!!! That is such a HUGE accomplishment for her. I could not be more proud. She received a trophy for making honor roll every time and getting all positive comments from her teachers on every report card.

Go Ash! You rock my beautiful daughter.
You will change the world one day...
I know it.

A few months ago I told everyone about the heart attack and stroke my Mom had. A few weeks after her recovery she had a brain scan done to determine the effect this had. We learned very quickly after that some plaque from an artery in her heart had dislodged and traveled to her brain and caused the stroke. But it had also caused an aneurysm to form. It in her left frontal lobe and fairly large. Dr Fields gave her 2 options. To have surgery to tie off (actually they wrap it like a cocoon) the aneurysm or to live what time she has and let God choose her time.

After much talk she has decided to take a chance and have the surgery.
She called me this morning.
The surgery will be this coming Monday.
After I hung up the phone my knees buckled and I dropped to the floor and cried.

My Dad, the best man I have ever known, died unexpectedly after a bought of pneumonia in 1999. It was devastating. Ash was 6. My Dad was her best friend. She shut down. I shut down. Our family hasn't been the same since. Something is missing.

Now I am facing the thought of losing my Mom...
I'm not ready.
It's not time.

I try to stay positive for her sake but inside I am a shitty mess. I am scared. For her. For us. The thought of living every day without her...

The weight of all of it seems unbearable.
I want to scream.
Run away.
Pretend everything is roses and sunny.

Though I cuss and talk like a trucker, speak my mind freely and live unabashedly I have deep faith in God.

I just choose to believe that God is loving, open-minded and accepting being who doesn't live mercilessly and condemn to hell gays, lesbians, people who cuss like truckers and don't attend church every Sunday. I believe in a God who loves ALL people, no matter their ethnicity, sexual preference or religious rituals.

And please don't send me hate email about my beliefs. Part of what I believe is what makes me so open to everyone else in the world. Don't condemn a belief you don't necessarily follow.

So I am praying more.
Almost beyond praying to begging.

And hope.
I have it.
I do.

Just right now...
The weight is getting heavy on my soul.
But I still hope.

And pray.


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