Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Vent.Analize.Release

Alive, I am...

A little tattered and torn but alive. The past weekend was not so good. One of those weekends I would like to wrap up in some brown paper and tuck away somewhere deep inside me and forget ever happened. My Mom was not so nice. Very aggressive, very verbally combative. Very...mean.

I can't think of a better word, no literary eloquence to misguide the mind into thinking she was anything but she was. Mean is all I got.

The weekend went so badly I stayed with her Sunday night too just hoping I could salvage some morsel of "quality" time with her. Something I could hold on too. A tiny snippet of conversation, a loving moment, a gesture. But nothing. In fact Sunday into Monday morning were the worst.

I think I need to say for the record, and for anyone who might read this blog that when I verbalize all of this "stuff" it is the way I vent. The way I mentally make amends for what I have said, what has happened and how I deal with it. I don't hate my Mom. That is very far from the truth. I love my Mom and I respect her. I admire her strength and courage. But, she is also a different person now. Still my Mom but two different people. I love them both. But the person my Mom is now is so far from the person she used to be that sometimes I struggle not to get beaten down by the verbal berating.

Berating may be mild or excessive depending on who you are. But hearing my Mom say that My Dad knew I would never take care of them...Hurt so badly I couldn't even speak to her for 2 solid hours. I just cried like a little child with my face buried in a pillow while Dennis took care of her. On Saturday I got up, started coffee and went to let the dogs out. My Mom wanted me to bring her coffee (which was not finished brewing) but I opted to let the dogs out while it finished. What did I get for that? You love those dogs more than you do your own children...For shame. All because the coffee wasn't done and I let the dogs out before they crapped on her floor.

I don't know how many times I heard how ashamed she was of me because I didn't was dishes immediately after eating...Or turn her electric blanket on before she was ready to go to bed for the night. fjlv qepiotupety3t <----not typo's just how I feel typing all this shit out...

Arrr, I don't know. I have ran the whole weekend over and over in my head a million times since I got home late Monday night and I am getting no where. I know that's not my Mom talking. I know she probably doesn't mean it.... BUT it still hurts the same. It still leaves me empty inside.

I just don't know. I feel beaten down. I am waiting for God to make sense of this to me. Divine intervention to make me understand the purpose.

This has been the toughest time since she came home for me. Usually I can find some reasoning for her actions and words. But this time... I have none. Just meanness, that's all I got.

So I didn't post because I was digesting the mess that is my mother/daughter relationship...And I surfed to my blogs, read so much happy news around the web. That makes me smile. Checked out the week 8 challenge for Em's Art Journal and then decided to organize the drawer thing I keep my embellishments in... which was depressing in and of itself. Wishing it was full of fun stuff like Heidi Swapp bling, Journal Spots, Ghost Shapes, and MM's whole line of Valentine stuff my friend Linds got her pretty little preggo hands on....Oh well I could go on but I am even depressing myself more at this point...LOL

It's late and I am rambling and ....
Tomorrow is a new day.

Amen to that.

4 comments:

Penny said...

Oh, I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I hope things start looking up for you AND your mom. I'm sorry you have to go though that.

Check your email in a bit, too, okay?!

lisa said...

I've just sent you an e-mail tammy

suebaru said...

Wish there was something I could do or say to help :(.Even though you are miles away and I don't really know you, I'm thinking of you often .

Debbie said...

My mother-in-law has alzheimer's. She doesn't know who I am any more and will "tattle" to me about me! When she was in the first stages it was hard to believe that she didn't know what she was doing and that hurt. But now I finally realize that she is totally clueless. Somehow that makes it easier to handle and I have more compassion for her. I'm so sorry for you. Hang in there!

 
design by suckmylolly.com