Be safe.

Sending lots of prayers to my brother David who is having carotid artery catheterization this morning. His carotid artery is 95% blocked. Wishing him safety and peace for his surgery and recovery, as well to his wife Tina and my nephew Josh.

Wish we could be with you all in Kingsport, VA today. Our hearts and thoughts are...

Back *almost*

Funeral service, internment, and memorial dinner were yesterday.
A sad but joyous remembrance of what living a good life and being a genuinely caring person who has lived a life worth living.
Dennis also went back to work :(

Will be back soon.
Thanks for being patient.

Tam

At a loss....

Sorry I haven't been around.

My hubby is on vacation until next Monday and my very sweet, kind, and generous cousin died today. She had a stroke Saturday at 2:15 a.m. and never recovered. Her husband and daughters chose to remove life support at 5 p.m. this afternoon and she passed away peacefully surrounded by her dear family.

I am glad that I had just seen her last Thursday and our parting ended with a hug and love ya's... At least I have that.

I am a Great Aunt!!!

I have a new great niece born at 7:27 p.m.

Her name is Brook Rene Thurston
She weighs 7 pounds and 7 ounces and is 20 inches long.

She is sweet and content and has a head of brown curly hair.

And life is good...

We Love you Tiffany!

*Photos as soon as I get them!***

Weekend Update

Happy Mother's Day

It was our weekend to take care of my Mom. I had to cover my sister's weekend because she covered mine a few weeks ago when my pneumonia was so bad.
It was not a great weekend. And I really don't even want to talk about it which is a first for me. Yes, it was that bad.

The rbight spot Dennis ended up having today off. The kids gave me an adorable kit to make a recipe scrapbook for summer/bbq recipes and all sorts of coordinating tags.
Dennis gave me a lovely bunch of flowers and a super cute pair of tennies with heart skulls and cross bones on them. I LOVE them, but they are too big. Hopefully we can exchange them. And a bunch of scrappy goodies, mini kits, stickers, chipboard. Good stuff.

Lots of blood work and a couple more xrays tomorrow so I won't have challenge posted until later.

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who left me comments on my cards and MLR journal. Thanks SO much! Truly means a lot.

Take care of you.

Home Bittersweet Home

So good to be home....

And I can NOT wait to sleep in my amazingly.delicious.uber.comfortable.supa.california.king bed!

Sorry I didn't write a post before we left but I decided around noon on Thursday to just grab some stuff and head to my Mom's.

It wasn't a bad weekend. And for that I am so grateful.
It wasn't an easy weekend either.

My Mom has been super confused since her angiogram and it was hard to deal with that again. The worst being Friday night when she woke us up starting at 12:30 a.m. looking for my Dad. And even though when we would ask her, "Mom, where is Dad?" she would reply, "I know he is in Heaven but God makes miracles happen every day and maybe he is going to send Dad back and I need to find him." Sometimes the logic escapes me to explain away these delusions. And the confusion about my Dad hurts me the most.

But other than I completely exhausted, I am OK. It was OK. And OK is good.

We stayed until this afternoon. I made dinner for my sister and her husband, my Mom, the kids and I before she went back to my sister's house. And then I came home. Somewhat glad and somewhat sad.

No matter how trying it is...Sometimes it's just sad to leave her. Sad to see her so unhappy not being able to stay at her house.

Great weather here in Michigan :)
Somewhere around the high 60's today. Which officially makes it shorts weather for me! LOL

Anything over 50 and I am HOT! I guess that is part due to me chasing a 3 year old around and because of the size of my arse! Us fat girls get hot so much faster than you lovely skinny girls...That I am envious of.

I am pretty OK in my "big" skin. It has taken a long time to get here.
I figure it this way:
This is me. It's a lot of me. But it's ALL me. And either you like me or you don't. If you judge me by the size of my pants you are missing out. Because the size of my heart and the quality of my friendship is SO MUCH bigger. And if that's who you are, and how you choose your friends...It's your loss.

Off my box now...

So let's see...
*I got my haircut! Layers and shorter. And I changed colors. LOVE this new color. It's brown and henna. Sort of red/plum-ish. It's cute! No more blond, no more flat limp thin eww! Super versatile. I can let it air dry and be springy curls or I can blow-dry and have funky wispy layers. Depends on my mood.

* I made a super cool find at my Mom's. License plates from the year I was born and the year I turned 1. Plus a couple other vintage years! Awesome stuff! I am going to use the ones from 1970 and 1971 to make a scrapbook about me.. The others are going up on our dining room wall.

* I sorted and organized all the pictures since Cameron was born! I pulled all the doubles and filed them in my cropper hopper photo storage case by subject. The other set I put in a acid-free photo album. I put each subject in a sleeve and marked the date/subject/location on the memo sheet. This way I can just flip through the album grab a set of pictures and scrap.

* I got a super cute girls sayings rubber stamp by Colorbok at Walmart for $1.00 and a super cute pair of chocolate "urban-stressed" (Walmarts term, which basically means frayed and worn)flip flops! Love em!

* Read the current issue of CK and I was less than impressed. Is it just me or is this magazine getting booooooring? I love Ali's Studio A section but the rest...eh...forgetable.

* I have 2 - THAT"S RIGHT 2 - more pages to do to finish my wedding album! Holla! So glad to be done with that... It's like a crick in my neck that won't go away...LOL

* Haven't done Em's challenge yet but hopefully tomorrow. Already know what I want to do- Bonus!

* Going to work on a new section for my blog entitled art goals...To make myself accountable for being more creatively active.

* Signed up for Shimelle's new class! If you haven't taken a class with Shimelle, you SHOULD! I am excited to start this one.

* My uber-talented, super gorgeous, amazing friend Karla is thinking about teaching some online classes, too! So hoping she does! Go check her out! Incredible stuff!

OK, off to my bed. My super cute hubby and Dresden on Sci-Fi. Love me some Sci-Fi.

Oh and by the way...
I swear if Sanjaya is not kicked off American Idol this week I am NOT watching anymore...What the hell is wrong with you America? Please someone EXPLAIN this to me?!?!?!?!?!

Tam

I'm going to hell in a hand basket and fast...

It is my weekend to care for my Mom again.
*insert long pause of contemplation*

Feelings: Torn

Monday my Mom had an angiogram. She had a bad reaction to the medicine they used to sedate her (starts with a V that's all I remember.). Her blood pressure would "scream" to use the doctor's terms if she stood up and "plummet" when she laid back down. It was scary. The test was scheduled for 9 a.m. They finally performed it around 6 p.m.

She had to spend the night for observation afterwards due to her blood pressure.

She came home Tuesday.
Her face started swelling and her body started itching. Her primary believes she is reacting to something. She is being treated with antihistamines. She has become VERY confused since this procedure. Apparently the medicine used to sedate her also effects the part of the brain where she had her brain surgery. I talked to her this morning and she thought Easter was tomorrow. She wanted me to come take her to the store. She thought she stayed at her own house last night. She got mad because I wouldn't come get her and go stay at her house. I asked her to come stay with us for the night. She refused.

All that just makes me sad.

Sad because she has been set back once again. Sad because she truly doesn't know when she is being mean. Sad she feels so controlled by us. Sad I can't just pick up my life and live for her.

And it makes me nervous. Nervous for what is to come this weekend and if I have built enough inner strength to survive whatever is about to come my way.

And I am also in a state of indecision.
Dennis wants to get all of our stuff ready and go over to her house tomorrow so we don't have to do it on Friday. Then my Mom could spend an extra day at home too. But... It also means an extra day of the unknown for me.

A few posts ago I said fear was powerful. It is ya know. And sadly and also ironically is that one of my BIGGEST fears is the fear of the unknown. I like to know what is coming my way and be prepared. Not knowing is almost torturous.

And even though it is pelting rain outside my window at this very moment and thunder is crashing miles away and getting closer by the second...I am hopeful. Hopeful for cherished tidbits of time with my Mom. Hopeful that it will all be OK. Hopeful...

Hope is the anti-drug to fear. :)

So I had this waging battle in my mind all day while trying to finish up this fun little creation I made so I can show y'all and chasing my EXTREMELY active 3 year old around...

I was using my Dymo Label Maker to make some text strips for my little project and the phone rang. Cam was playing with his trucks watching a Hard Hat Harry movie on the floor. I decided it would be OK to leave my big old 1 liter bottle of iced tea and all my scrap stuff on my desk while I ran to answer the phone...

It was my sister and we only talked about 3 minutes...

When I came back Cam was up at my desk playing with some chipboard circles and my little labels were everywhere. I just swept them all in a pile and went back at peeling the pieces off so I could put them on... That's when I realized the one I had made that said "cute" was missing.

I moved everything around and even got down on my hands and knees looking under the bed, my desk, in Cameron's truck. Gone...

So I was pissed. I scolded Cameron. I told him Mommy's stuff was important and not toys and if he asked politely Mom might have some stuff for him to play with. He simply said OK and went back to his trucks...Basically like whatever Mom...You're so lame.

As I punched out cute again and tore the backing off I was irritated too much stuff floating around in my head. I grabbed my big bottle of tea took a great big drink and promptly proceeded to choke. I was freaking out. What the HELL is in tea to choke you????? I didn't know what to do. It's just me and Cam and he can't do the Heimlich. I could breathe a little so I wasn't totally freaking out but I could feel whatever was in my throat moving and that scared the shit out of me. I was afraid to breathe to deeply or fast for fear whatever it was would totally cut off my oxygen supply. I thought about calling someone but I couldn't speak... Tears stared pouring down my face and I realized I had 2 options.

Die - NOT AN OPTION!
or
Take in a long slow breath through my nose and try to cough whatever was in there out.

I decided on the breath...
And then I started praying. And making offerings to God. Please let me live and I will be a better Mom. Please let me live and I won't bitch about the laundry anymore. Please let me live I will be a nicer person. Please let me live for shits sake I am only 36... And then the last faith offering...Please let me live and I will never cuss again...

I took in a long breath and coughed like I was hacking a lung and out flew a 1 inch strip of plastic. As I sucked in a few more THANK GOD breaths I bent over to pick up the plastic and see what the heck it was...

A shiny black piece of Dymo tape that said "cute"

That's where it went. My sweet little boy slipped in my bottle. And you know what I promptly said...

Fucking nice...

So there you go.
I plead for my life and 3 seconds later promptly shoot my saving freaking grace all to hell... As well as my soul.

Sometimes, Life is a bitch.
But this time, I didn't die.

But I'm sure the devil has my seat all ready for me....LOL

Much love all,
Tam

Vent.Analize.Release

Alive, I am...

A little tattered and torn but alive. The past weekend was not so good. One of those weekends I would like to wrap up in some brown paper and tuck away somewhere deep inside me and forget ever happened. My Mom was not so nice. Very aggressive, very verbally combative. Very...mean.

I can't think of a better word, no literary eloquence to misguide the mind into thinking she was anything but she was. Mean is all I got.

The weekend went so badly I stayed with her Sunday night too just hoping I could salvage some morsel of "quality" time with her. Something I could hold on too. A tiny snippet of conversation, a loving moment, a gesture. But nothing. In fact Sunday into Monday morning were the worst.

I think I need to say for the record, and for anyone who might read this blog that when I verbalize all of this "stuff" it is the way I vent. The way I mentally make amends for what I have said, what has happened and how I deal with it. I don't hate my Mom. That is very far from the truth. I love my Mom and I respect her. I admire her strength and courage. But, she is also a different person now. Still my Mom but two different people. I love them both. But the person my Mom is now is so far from the person she used to be that sometimes I struggle not to get beaten down by the verbal berating.

Berating may be mild or excessive depending on who you are. But hearing my Mom say that My Dad knew I would never take care of them...Hurt so badly I couldn't even speak to her for 2 solid hours. I just cried like a little child with my face buried in a pillow while Dennis took care of her. On Saturday I got up, started coffee and went to let the dogs out. My Mom wanted me to bring her coffee (which was not finished brewing) but I opted to let the dogs out while it finished. What did I get for that? You love those dogs more than you do your own children...For shame. All because the coffee wasn't done and I let the dogs out before they crapped on her floor.

I don't know how many times I heard how ashamed she was of me because I didn't was dishes immediately after eating...Or turn her electric blanket on before she was ready to go to bed for the night. fjlv qepiotupety3t <----not typo's just how I feel typing all this shit out...

Arrr, I don't know. I have ran the whole weekend over and over in my head a million times since I got home late Monday night and I am getting no where. I know that's not my Mom talking. I know she probably doesn't mean it.... BUT it still hurts the same. It still leaves me empty inside.

I just don't know. I feel beaten down. I am waiting for God to make sense of this to me. Divine intervention to make me understand the purpose.

This has been the toughest time since she came home for me. Usually I can find some reasoning for her actions and words. But this time... I have none. Just meanness, that's all I got.

So I didn't post because I was digesting the mess that is my mother/daughter relationship...And I surfed to my blogs, read so much happy news around the web. That makes me smile. Checked out the week 8 challenge for Em's Art Journal and then decided to organize the drawer thing I keep my embellishments in... which was depressing in and of itself. Wishing it was full of fun stuff like Heidi Swapp bling, Journal Spots, Ghost Shapes, and MM's whole line of Valentine stuff my friend Linds got her pretty little preggo hands on....Oh well I could go on but I am even depressing myself more at this point...LOL

It's late and I am rambling and ....
Tomorrow is a new day.

Amen to that.

Boones Farm and Babies

One thing I have learned in my 36 years on this earth is never expect things to go as planned. Something will ALWAYS inevitably go awry. It doesn't necessarily mean it will go badly but off the course you charted. This is why I rarely plan anything. I go with the flow. Enjoy the unexpected and trudge through the bad.

I had hoped to go shopping early and be home to make something mellow we could all enjoy in front of the TV with a couple of movies. Didn't happen. But the alternative was pretty good.

I got to meet my new little niece for the first time.




How precious is this little sweet pea?!?! Oh gosh! I never think about having more babies until I hold one and then my heart aches. Truly. She is such a sweetie. Dark black hair like her mom and dad.



I was worried about Cameron not being careful but he was IN LOVE with her from the very first second. He just wanted to hold her, share his juice with her, and kiss her. And when she cried he would come running because he was so worried she was "sick" to use his words. It was too cute.




But this picture really touched my heart the most. It's my Mom holding baby Reese. When I opened it up to crop it I was taken back by the wrinkles and age of my Mom who you can barely see and the beautiful porcelain newborn skin of Reese. It made me think of all the babies she has held in her lifetime and nurtured. And now in her old age she holds her great granddaughter as the torch passes to another generation.

Life goes on.

Sometimes in the midst of all that has happened I forget that time has not stood still for the rest of the world. And in moments like this I am abruptly aware of how life doesn't wait for anyone or anything.

We did end up going grocery shopping. Super Walmart, not my favorite place, not my least favorite but Ash wanted to spend some money she earned on "stuff" and I wasn't going to 10 stores at 6 p.m. Not to mention it's all of about 10 degrees outside.

We picked up KFC on the way home and stopped at my Mom's to have dinner with her and my sister Elaine who is staying with her this weekend. After dinner Dennis took Ash over to her friend Shannon's to go to church in the morning and I hung out with my sister and helped her get my Mom in bed for the night.

We started watching some "chick flick" on Lifetime and called Dennis to bring us some cheapo wine (Boones Farm to be exact) and Dennis, Elaine, and I hung out watching the chick flick and drinking cheap wine until 11 p.m.

Yeah, I know. Probably far below a lot of people's definition of a good time but we are simple folk around here.

Now I am getting ready to head to bed and read the new issue of CK and watch Underworld with the hubby. Oh and this is also waiting for me in my bed...





I guess the dogs got a little lonely for us today. Should be an interesting sight when we all are in bed...LOL

And Life begins anew...

No matter how crazy, ugly, and trying life can be there are the times that remind you of what a gift it is just to be alive.

Introducing the newest member of our family...




Reese Elizabeth

Reese is the first born child of my nephew Brandon and niece-in-law Jen.
Congrats Brandon and Jen! We love you SO much! And can NOT wait to get our hands on that amazing little girl...
Isn't she beautiful!
A gorgeous 8 lbs and 2 ozs
With lots of black hair under her adorable pink newborn hat.

Brandon has diabetes and was told he would never be able to have children.
After many months of talking, counseling from their minister and God, they decided to adopt.
One month later they found out Jen was pregnant!

A gift..
A precious newborn gift.

This is what makes life worth living!

2006 A Year in review: Family

So I am going to start this family review of 2006 as I take a mini break from mounting rubber stamps. Since I am new to unmounted stamps this has been quite a learning process. First I went with cushion and block but quickly decided it wasn't working for me. So now I am remounting them all with EZ Mount. It's time consuming. And I am the kind of person who likes quick results. So back to the family...

Set the timer for 5 minutes- Then back to the stamps:

2006 started out glorious. We made big plans on remodeling our vintage motor home and spending the Spring through late Fall camping all over Michigan. It was time consuming, costly, and tedious. But Dennis rocked it. Seriously. The motor home is fab! New carpeting, bead board walls, new fixtures, blinds, and a custom made futon bed.(The futon bed eliminated a diner type eating area that I hated and opened up a little more floor space.)

We were all excited for Spring and the good times planned. We took our first trip to Sleepy Hollow State Park. It was rainy and cold but freaking fun. Homemade deep fried doughnuts for breakfast, grilled steak and turkey fajitas for dinner, and cold beer and hot totties.

The rain and cold didn't seem to matter. Family, and friends, both old and new- Abel and Cassandra who totally rocked our world with true homemade steak fajitas...Dennis and I watching DVDs late at night in the camper as the rain drizzled and the kids were snuggled in bed. Sitting around the campfire sharing stories and making time almost stand still in a moment of complete contentment.

It was a great time.

But it wasn't too long after, somewhere around Easter, that my Mom had a stroke in Meijer. A simple trip to pick up something unimportant. A simple trip that changed everything.

BY the time my Mom arrived at the hospital her stroke has ended but the damage had already been done. She had some weakness on her left side but the stroke had dislodged some plaque near her heart that traveled through her bloodstream into her brain. The plaque led the doctors to a major aneurysm in her left frontal lobe of her brain. Two options: She could leave the aneurysm and live as long as God granted her but it would eventually rupture and kill her. They just didn't know when. 5 minutes, five, days, five weeks, five years... Or she could have surgery to wrap it to keep it from bursting. She chose the latter.

I remember the day she told me she had decided on the surgery. I cried and cried. I was scared.

The prognosis was good from the beginning. 2 hour procedure, 2 week recovery, then life as normal.

It just never happened that way.

So began an odyssey that has changed our family.

I wish I could sit here and tell you that we are all stronger, closer, and happy.
But the truth is I can't.

My Mom suffered a tirade of other medical problems after her surgery. She had to have a pacemaker implanted. She has lost so much weight she is near skeletal because she won't eat. This stemming from a allergic reaction to an antibiotic that made her violently ill. And yesterday, January 2ND, she has the middle finger on her left hand amputated. That caused by what her primary physician decided was not important enough to treat because it was a minor infection. Sadly, by the time we had grown tired of her primary physicians ineptness it was too late to save her finger.

She is at my sisters house and is recovering well from the amputation. But her mind is still no right. She has good days. She has bad days.

She lives with my sister all week. On weekends they bring her to her house. Sometimes Dennis and I spend the weekends with her to give my sister a break. But it's hard for her to tolerate Cameron who is full of life and energy.

My kids sense the change. Cameron is almost afraid to be near her and Ash is just scared. She lost her Grandpa in 1999 and she still hasn't spent one night alone at their house since. And I... Some days I am hopeful. Hopeful that things will get better. But I have resolved that my Mom will never be the "Mom" I once knew. We will never walk through the woods with my kids again looking for morels. We will never plant flowers or a vegetable garden together again. We will never cook a meal together side by side laughing about the silly things in everyday life.

I have the hardest times when I let those thoughts into my heart. And if I ask myself what if? What if she had never had the surgery to begin with?

I try not to dwell on that. But sometimes your heart can not control what your brain thinks.

All thoughts of camping ended when my Mom had her surgery. There were no more trips for the kids to enjoy, no more campfires and cracking jokes and cold beer. Every single moment since My Mom got sick has been about my Mom. Who is going to care for her this day and take her to the doctor that day? Who can pick up her prescriptions and help out with lawn care?

It has consumed our lives.

Not just mine and my families. But my two sisters as well.
And now that my sister Connie has taken it upon herself to care for my Mom full-time during the week there is a resentment and ugliness building.

She is getting to her breaking point.

It is so much for her to bare. Ans she resents my sister Elaine for not doing more. And I suppose in some ways me as well. She wants us to take on all weekend care and do it at my Mom's house. And I understand her much needed time away but it is not feasible for me to move my family to my Moms for the weekends to care for her. There is no room for my kids to sleep. No toys for them to play with, much less could they make noise.

It's coming to a head. The ugliness is approaching and I think we all know it. I fear it. I dread the words that will be said and the feelings that will be hurt.

As for my 3 brothers they play no part in my Moms care. One lives in another state and the other 2 are oblivious.

What will happen I do not know. I wish my Mom would just be willing to stay in my house on the weekends. I would love to have her here. But my sister Connie believes we are being selfish by not staying at her house. Her opinion. So be it.

And what truly makes me sad is that over the last 5 years my sisters, and our families have built this awesome bond. We spend holidays together, take trips together, have dinners together, we were this collective unit of good old fun. We made our own good times. And now...

I see that coming to an end.

So 2006 wasn't that gracious on the family front and 2007 looks like it will be iffy as well.

But I have hope.
Somehow I always manage to have hope.

Go tell someone you love them.
Life is too short.

Tam

One more day

One more day...

Until Dennis is on vacation for 15 glorious days!
15 days of remembering why we got married 15 years ago...That we actually share the same bed like normal people (go to bed at the same time, wake up at the same time...)
15 days of having dinner with my husband, and not by myself. 15 days of having coffee in the morning together. 15 days of near bliss...

The last 8 months have stunk.

And did I mention I can't sleep at night? Yeah, it's a problem! Dennis working nights has put me in a tizzy. I am averaging maybe 2 hours a night. From 5 a.m. to 7 a.m.

We took Cameron's bottle away this week. Not fun!
It's been 3 days and he is doing great BUT the first day he wouldn't drink any milk at ALL. He just refused. Stubborn little guy.

We also started potty training him! UGHHHHHH!
Ash was so easy.
Cameron is not!
Is this a boy thing?
He has done well for the last 2 days but at night I put him in pull-ups.
But he has also decided if he doesn't have to wear a diaper then he shouldn't have to wear any clothes either. Needless to say I have spent more time redressing him than I did changing diapers.

Praying to the snow gods to send some snow.
Maybe a little whiteness would cheer my mood.

Trying to stay focused...

One more day...

Just one...

Happy Halloween

As promised here are some pictures from todays pumpkin carving...



This is the skeleton and Frankenstein. My camera batteries were dying so some of these shots are horrid. Sorry about that!



This is Franky up close. I didn't take a picture of the skeleton up close and I have no idea why...Blonde moment I guess.

This is One-eyed Jack the Pirate and the Werewolf. Ash did One-eyed Jack. I couldn't get my camera to focus in the dark to take a photo with the candles burning which is sucky. Oh well...


This is our little Mr. Skelly Bones. Sans his face paint. He was really not into that at ALL!

And these were a part of my Halloween attire today.



These uber-cool shoes and striped socks which I finished off with this rad little Tee:


Cameron said I was dressed up like Mr. Skelly's Mommy. LOL!

I went to see my Mom and took Cameron dressed in his costume. I had high hopes of it beng a great visit. It was not and tonight I don't want to even think about any of that. I just want to remember the fun stuff.

And last but not least I took a picture of where I hang my finished layouts. I totally stole this idea from Elsie Flannigan and I LOVE IT! I am so close to being finished with the mini book I am making to record all the cool little things Cameron says. So that's mostly what you see hanging in the picture. Well minus the layout I did for Last Scrapper Standing.



Well, that's it for me tonight. I am beat and I think I might try and finish a few more pages and then hit the sack.

I hope everyone had a FAB Halloween!

All Hallow's Eve...

Today my daughter turns 15.
15.

Where did 15 years go?
I was just barely 21 when I had Ash. Just a kid myself really. And now I feel like an old car-pool Mom somedays. And that precious little bald-headed baby is 3 inches taller than me and has the thickest head of hair around. And she is a little girl any longer. She is a beautiful, sensitive, outgoing, kind, and creative young woman. And being her Mom has been one of the greatest joys of my life (Ok, and somedays not so great, she is a teenager after all.)

But I can not even imagine a single second of our lives without her laughter and sillyness and spirit.

She is my pumpkin, born on Halloween and will always be my little girl. Even when she is 30.

Here are 2 of my favorite pictures from her first Homecoming Dance a few weeks ago.







She made her Dad very nervous that night. I think for the first time since she was born he realized she was growing up.

Been trying to function as though things are somewhat normal around here for the kids sake. Doing all the things we would normally do like carve pumpkins. We always make a big deal about who carves the best pumpkin. Here are three we finished this afternoon.






This is with the lights on...
The Werewolf, Scary Skeleton, and a severed hand (LOVE THAT!)






And this is with the lights off.

They turned out so good.

Tomorrow will bring forth One-Eyed Jack the Pirate, Bats, and Frankenstein. I hope they turn out as good.

Cameron is going to be Mr. Skelly Bones and Ash is dressing up as Daddy's Little Devil complete with fire red flame pants. She is just taking Cameron around though. She has never been much for Trick or Treating. She has always liked giving out candy better.

My Mom had her endoscope on Sunday and they found no ulcerations or tears. They believe all bleeding stems solely from the Coumadin. Thank goodness. She has been feeling pretty good but she is still weak. Her confusion is almost gone. BUt that is never a sure thing because it flucuates ever since her brain surgery. There is still no mention when she may come home.

I'll share some pictures from the Halloween festivities tomorrow.

Happy Halloween to you and yours!

Update!

Quick update on my Mom:

I was up most of the night Thursday. I called my sister's cell phone 26 times. I woke up thinking I heard my phone ringing only to lay in bed after I checked the caller ID. No calls.

At 9:30 a.m. I finally heard from my sister and this is what I found out then:
My Mom takes a drug called coumadin that thins her blood. She has to take this as a precautionary measure because of her brain surgery. It is to prevent blood clots. So it's basically a blood thinner. The Coumadin is regulated by blood tests to check her clotting level. A good level for my Mom would be 2 to 3. When the tested her blood at the hospital it was 11.

So she was bleeding to death internally.

They gave her 3 bags of plasma to thicken her blood. But while they were monitoring that they noticed her blood volume was decreasing. They were worried about a bleeding ulcer or tear some where but it also could be caused by the fact that her blood was so thin that once it started to coagulate it decreased in volume. They also said we may never have noticed any bleeding because her blood was so thin it was barely red when exposed to air. They decided to give her 2 bags of blood to replenish her volume and to watch to see if her blood volume decreased afterwards which would be a sure sign of bleeding from other causes IE: ulcer or tear.

This morning her blood volume was at 10.8 which is good. But they have decided since she has had a bleeding ulcer in the past (years ago) that they will be performing an endoscopy tomorrow morning to check for ulcerations. They also want to check the condition of her esophagus because of the amounts of meds she takes and the affects they can have upon your stomach.

Her confusion has eased but isn't totally gone. She still isn't eating and on a liquid diet. But her pain has ceased and the she has only thrown up once (The night before last).

She is weak. Tired. And pretty depressed from this constant setback cycle.
I don't blame her.

I'm irritated that the visiting nurses were told by my Mom's old doctor that until she sees her new doctor that she didn't need to be followed up on except for once every two weeks. Such shit! She could have died! And what pisses me off is that this whole thing could have been caught if they had been coming weekly before we decided my Mom needed a better doctor. This only proves our point.

I am afraid to go see her because I have bronchitis and her immune system is already so low. She surely doesn't need my sickies now too. I call her every 4 hours or so and someone from my family is there almost all day. But I still have guilt. Well and of course there is the fact that Dennis is working every day and I would have to take Cameron and that is not an option. Not having my feisty 3 year old reeking havoc on the hospital.

I hate having guilt. It's like a wrench squeezing away at my insides making me question if I am a good daughter...

And I am lacking sleep and just overall not in a good place with myself right now.

Oh and did I mention my sister Connie is off to New York for 5 days? Uh yeah! Her husbands half-sister's Dad died and they went to the funeral. Connie wanted a few days away from this and Jim needed an escape from his work (He runs a debt collection agency...imagine the joy in that!) Needless to say it really put the crunch on what few of us there are here to handle things.

I miss normalcy. Sometimes I don't even remember life pre-surgery. It seems like a dream...

Sitting and Waiting

12:24 a.m.

Sitting here waiting for the phone to ring.
Waiting for my sister to call with news about my Mom.
Waiting and sitting.
Sitting and waiting.

The day started off pretty normal.
Breakfast.
Dishes.
Laundry.
General cleaning.
Playing with Cam.

The the calls started.
My Mom.
She thinks she is at my Aunt Rose's house.
She wants me to come get her.
Problem.
My Aunt Rose died 2 years ago.
Problem.
She is at her own house.

Jess was with her this morning.
Saying she was confused.
She ate some toast.
1/4 of a piece of toast.

Jess left for school at 10:30 a.m.
My sister was supposed to be there at 11:00 a.m.
We decided to give my Mom some responsibility and leave her along for short amounts of time.
Had been going well all week.
Social worker thought it was a great idea.

But today is different.
The confusion.
Delusions?
What is it?

My sister can't leave from work now until 2:00 p.m.
Finally I can't take it anymore and go get her.
She is mad.
She says I will be sorry for how I treat her.
She would never leave me someplace I didn't want to be.

We gather her clothes for her Doctors appointment at 3:30 p.m.
We start out the door.
Cameron first.
Me second.
Mom last.
Turn around.
No Mom.
I go back.
She is grabbing as much as she can in her arms as she walks to the door.
I ask: What are you doing Mom?
Mom: We can NOT leave my things in Rose's house now help me!
Me: Mom, this is your house.
Mom: Don't tell me this is my house! I know my house. This is NOT my house!
Me: (calmly) Mom let's walk around a bit before we go and look at some things.
Mom: Fine.
Walk into my Mom and Dad's room.
Me: Mom Is this Dad's clothes?
Mom: Yes! Why did Rose steal your Dad's clothes?
Me: She didn't Mom. Rose passed away. This is Dad's room and these are his clothes.
Mom: Stop IT! This is NOT MY HOUSE. I want out of here now.
Me: OK, Mom. Let's go.
We walk to the sun room.
I open the door to let Cameron outside onto the porch and turn to let my Mom pass by me as well.
She is grabbing flower vases and knick knacks.
Me: Mom, what are you doing?
Mom: I will NOT leave my stuff at Rose's house.
I take the things from my Mom and put them back in their place.
Mom: Someday Tammy you will have to answer to God for how you treat me. You will be sorry.
Me: No, Mom. I won't. I have no guilt. I do the best I can. I am just trying to help you.
Mom: I would never treat you this way.
Me: I know Mom. Let's go.

We walk to the car.
We drive next door.
I pick up Cameron to carry him in the house.
I open the door for my Mom.
Mom: Put that child down and take me in the house.
Me: Mom, I can't put Cameron down or he will run off while I help you. Take my hand and I will help you to your feet and I will walk behind you into the house.
Mom: No, I am not getting out of this car.
Me: Please Mom. Please.
Mom: No! You won't help me. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Me: Please Mom, Cameron is heavy and he is ready for a nap. Please come inside.
Please help me help you.
Mom: No. I am staying here.
Me: OK Mom. But I have to take Cameron inside he is cold and sleepy. He will get sick if I stand here much longer. I'll be right back.
Mom: That's right just leave me here. It doesn't matter if I get sick or die. I have my head cut open. A pacemaker. I can't walk. I can't eat. And you just leave me here.
Me: Please Mom, I am doing the best I can.
Mom: Go!

And I go.
And I am sad.
And I am angry.

I carry Cameron to the couch and lay him down.
I get him some milk and his blanky.
I turn on the Wiggles.
And I call my sister.

Me: Connie, Mom won't get out of the car.
Connie: What?
Me: She won't get out of the car. She says I will be sorry for how I treat her.
(I repeat above conversations with my Mom to my sister.)
Connie: Get her inside. She needs to get changed and her hair fixed for the doctor. I will be there shortly.
Me: Ok.

I go outside.
I kneel on the cold wet ground.
I lift my Mom's legs one by one outside the car door.
I place her cane against my hip.
I reach my hand to her.
She stands.
Me: See that wasn't so bad was it Mom.
Mom: Don't you worry girl. You won't have me to burden you much longer.
Me: What?
Mom: You heard me.
Me: Don't say things like that Mom. You're not burden.
Mom: Then why did you leave me out here? Get me in the house before I freeze to death.
Me: (tear running down my face) Ok, Mom.

My niece Tiffany arrives 10 minutes later.
Tiff: Hi Grandma. I'm here to take you to the Doctor. How are you feeling today?
Mom: Oh Lord. I am feeling so sick. I can't take much more of this. I am so sick to my stomach.
Me: Mom, you need to take your meds and I will give you a Phenergan for nausea.
Mom: Get me some water.
Me: Yes, Mom.

Mom takes her meds.
Tiff helps her undress and redress.
Connie arrives.
They leave.

I cry.
I slam a few cupboards.
I rethink everything that has been said.
I am angry.
How can she treat me this way?
I am just trying to help.
Doesn't she see that?
And I am grateful.
Grateful I don't have to deal with it anymore today.

4 hours later.
I go out to get my mail.
I see Tiff and Connie pull in my Mom's driveway.
I call her house.
Tiff answers.
Me: How was the doppler ultrasound Tiff?
Tiff: Great! She has no blockages in her arms or legs. Everything is clear.
Me: That great. Thank God.
Tiff: But...
Me: But what?
Tiff: When we got home and were walking up on the porch Grandma started throwing up.
Me: Had she ate something or was she just gagging?
Tiff: No, it was puke and Aunt Tam...
Me: What?
Tiff: It looked like coffee grounds.
Me: Oh God. No...
Tiff: I know I am scared.
Me: She has to go to the doctor or emergency room.
Tiff: I know, so does Aunt Connie. She is deciding what to do.
Me: I'll be right there.

I grab my coat.
I walk the 100 yards next door to my Moms.
The same 100 yards I had driven 4 and 1/2 hours earlier in a car because my Mom couldn't walk that far.
My sister Connie is on the porch.
I walk up the steps.
She hands me a garbage can.
I look inside.
It looks like a coffee filter and a cup or so of coffee grounds.
Me: Is that what she threw up?
Connie: Yeah.
Me: She needs to go to the doctor.
Connie: I know but I am not taking her. Elaine (Our other sister) will have to do it.
Me: Ok.

We walk in the house.
Connie gathers the medications and puts them in a bag.
She writes down the meds she has taken today.
Baby Hunter (Tiffany's 1 year old) is walking around cooing and playing.
He is dressed like a bat.
He is adorable.
Mom: Tammy go get the blow dryer and warm my feet.
Me: What Mom?
Mom: You heard me. My feet are cold and I want to warm them up before I leave.
Connie: Mom I will put an extra pair of socks on you.

Elaine and I go outside to get the car ready.
I carry Kleenex and pillows for my Mom.
Elaine warms the car.
We lay the seat back.

My Mom comes outside.
Connie and Jim carry her to the car.
Elaine and my Mom leave for Covenant Cooper aka St. Lukes Hospital.

Connie goes back inside Mom's house.
I walk the 100 yards back home.

8:56 p.m.
The phone rings.
It's my sister Connie.
Elaine called from the Emergency Room.
They have my Mom in a room.
She is on an IV for fluids.
They did a rectal exam and checked her stool for blood.
It was immediately positive.
The doctor tells Elaine She has bleeding in her intestines and probably in her stomach too.
Could be from the medications or ulcers or other things.
They are doing tests.
Does she have a stance on heroic measures?
Elaine: (shocked) Um, no I don't think so.
Doctor: Get it done.

Connie and I talk about the meaning behind heroic measures.
What did he mean?

Just in case?
Or is there an imminent possibility of death?
What the hell is going on?
Connie says Elaine told her once Mom was settled down a bit she was going to go ask the nurses if she could please talk to the doctor to clarify what he meant.

that was almost 4 and 1/2 hours ago and I am sitting here waiting.
Sitting and waiting.
Waiting and sitting.

Time is Relative (Pun totally intended!)

Hello world.

Here I am.
Yep, it's me. Feeling a bit lost lately. So much going on in and around my life I feel like I am having an out of body experience, just watching myself go through the motions like I am sitting in my parents old Buick at the drive in when I was 7 years old.

My Mom turned 74 on Sunday. 74. The women in my family are known for living long lives. It was a somber day. My Mom wasn't feeling well. And lately she has been pretty depressed. She spends a lot of time thinking about what she can't do and not realizing all she can do. And sometimes I think she is giving that she can improve health wise. I have done a lot of internet research on brain surgery, specifically right front lobe aneurysm surgery. Did you know that recovery can take up to and sometimes beyond a year and a half? That is a long time. But it also could never improve. Every case is different. Every body different.

I wish she could focus her attention on what she has to live for. That she can have a good quality of life still. That she has so much left to offer. I wish...I wish...

I say that a lot lately.

And there is a storm brewing in the family. I know it's coming and I dread it. My sister Connie is pissed off at my sister Elaine because she doesn't think she does enough to help with our Mom. There is going to be words, I just know it. And I want nothing-NOTHING- to do with it.

The reality is Elaine and Connie both work 40 hours a week. Connie stays with my Mom at night. I get her from just before 7 a.m. to sometime between 5 and 6 p.m. Elaine visits for a while on weekdays (sometimes) and on the weekends. I think it's also important to note here that we all live on the same road within 10 houses of each other. I don't know... I understand Connie's point of view. Yes, Elaine could do more. A lot more. But in some ways I see why Elaine stays away. It's hard. I know. It's my life from 7 to 6 Monday through Friday. I think she stays away because she can't deal with it. But in all reality we couldn't either but you learn and you do. What's the alternative? A rest home. Which neither my sister nor I think is fair. To my mother or to our children. And the thought of making a decision like that almost makes me sick. Physically sick.

The insuranse companies really piss me off too. They will pay for my Mom to go into a full-time nursing home but they WILL NOT pay for part-time in-home nursing of any sort. Now tell me... How in the hell does that make any sense???? Part-time nursing care at home is so much cheaper than living in a nursing home. Politics and bullshit policies. Excuse my french.

I just feel overwhelmed. Plus I have had this cold for a stright month and can not kick it. 10 days on Keflex that made me sick every single day and to no avail. Thanks modern medicine. And I just feel lost in my own world. No time for myself, no time to just play with the kids and enjoy them. And Dennis hasn't been off since September 1st. Yeah! It will be 8 weeks come November. Not a single day off. November 4th and 5th will be the first weekend off and then no days off until December. Well minus Thanksgiving, he has that off. It's a good thing or I might go postal.

I finished my Happy layout for my YTYKM album but I haven't taken any pictures. That requires time which I find sparse nowadays. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.

Always maybe's...

Bottom of the 9th, 2 on with 2 outs...

And Ordonez hit a homerun! It was a-friggin`-mazing!

Tigers Win America League Division Title

The last time the Detroit Tigers were in the World Series was 1984. I was 14. I watched the games with my Dad. He loved baseball. When the Tigers won the Series my Dad was right there cheering with all of us. He was a true sports fan.

So tonight I hope you're watching from Heaven Dad...

You would have loved the game.

Random thoughts and opines...

Another rainy night with the window open and complete solitude aside from the clickety-click of my keyboard and Cameron's sweet baby breaths on the monitor.

Almost deja vu-ish...

My Mom came home from the hospital today. We were all glad. Especially her. But she is still confused. They had to call me twice before she was released today because she was convinced Ash had been admitted to the hospital to have emergency gall bladder surgery. This of course did not happen and I tried to reassure her but even when she got home I had to have Ash show my Mom her belly and that there was no incision. Sometimes I think she just pretends that she believes us when we correct these things but inside her head I think she believes we are lieing to her. I can not imagine living with all these thoughts garbled up in your head and no escape. That is what hurts me the most. Sometimes she has glimmers of recognition that these thoughts are crazy. And in those times she says she wishes she had never had the aneurysm surgery. Those times...Hurt me. Pain for her regrets. Pain for her loss. And pain for mine too.
But she is home. And I am so glad. And tomorrow I will cook her breakfast and make her coffee and take some pictures of my Mom... My Mom... And tonight I will again ask God for his grace to grant her compassion and peace within her heart and soul. So she may enjoy what time she has with her family the best she is able.

I am making peace with it myself and above all else I am grateful to have been raised by such a kind, supportive, generous and loving woman. Though I may falter at times with my acceptance I am happy to have time with my Mom. Some are not so fortunate.

I finished my flip flop mini album today. It turned out pretty cute. I was going to share it but my Sister Elaine scammed it and is taking it to work tomorrow to show her friends. So maybe tomorrow.

I am desperate to finish the mini album I am making about all the cute little things (And some not so cute!) Cameron says. I wish I had done this for Ash but to be honest the thought never occurred to me before I seen the one Ali Edwards made for her son Simon. Ali is so darn talented! And she is a total inspiration and devoted to her family. I respect that. I love to pop over to her blog and she what kind of adventure she is on, art she is creating, or story about Simon she has to share.

Those kind of blogs... The one's of scrapbook "celebrities" and artist's are the ones I love the most. The blogs that combine a mix of art and life. Listen in the real world we all know life isn't roses and champagne. And to me life would be a meaningless adventure if we didn't have experiences both BAD and good. How would we learn? Grow? Change?

That's why I read the blogs that I do. The one's with a real human edge. Backbone. Diversity. Good. Bad. And sometimes ugly.
Blogs like these...

Karen Russell: She makes me laugh. Inspired and enabled me to try something new. To see beyond myself. Who shares a respect for the lives of military families and the love of her children just as I do. And has the best heart warming stories EVA! And who one day I will cook a amazing feast for and share some drinks and be humbled by her presence because she is real. 100% down to earth real.

Kristina Contes: When I die...I want to come back and live her life. She is crazy, wild, fun and creates the MOST AMAZING mini's...And she loves her some Trent and is a Project Runway junkie and so am I. Dude! You gotta love that! And her pooch...Chloe...Hello! Dog lovers unite!

Emily Falconbridge: Aussie extraordinaire! The queen of dreads! Married to the King of Man-pri's! Freakin love that! Who doesn't think out of the box...She lives outside the box dude! She lives for the art. The creation. And she shares not only her art but her love for life and her family. Respect and adoration tenfold to this woman.

There are more... More I read devoutly everyday. And I'll share more soon. But inside the ugliness that has floated around lately... I just wanted to share some good.

I know there has been a lot of hoopla lately about blogs that bash "celebrity" scrapbookers, published artists and etc. I have been there. I have read some of them.

My main beef with them being that these attacks are taken under anonymity and sometimes at the cost of their families. I think it is perfectly ok if you don't like someone's style. The art they create, their tastes in music, literature, and movies. But to attack their parenting skills, job, husbands, kids.... That is shameful. Cold. And cruel.

To be honest I even have a hard time with attacking someone's art. Art is in and of itself: subjective. If we all only liked apples then look what we would be missing the chance of experiencing... Oranges, kiwi, pomegranate, papaya, mango. I appreciate the art I can not create myself. Because of lack of skills, technique, supplies, etc. And if we didn't have new art to see eventually we would all become stagnant. Everything would be repetitive, old, and eventually boring.

I'm not a publishing kind of scrapbooker. I am honest about my art (which it is art to me...) and it's quality. It's not experienced or cutting edge. I don't submit to magazines, DT calls, or contests. I have tried some of the Dares and Freestyle challenges to push myself to try different things and think outside of my own creative box. Learning experiences. Will I ever submit, probably not. I have no reason other than an appreciation for the talent that is published.

But it all comes down to respect, maturity and decency. What good does it do in the end to berate someone? Does it bring you up? Make you better? No. In fact it lowers you. And as far as I am concerned makes you the type of person I would prefer not to know.

So the next time you consider posting something derogatory...Ask yourself, "What am I getting out of this? Am I bettering myself, them, the world?" Because if all you are doing is hurting someone... What are you doing it for?

You will reap what you sow.

And that my friends is the bottom line.

Blah...Blah... Blah...

Aight...

Going to try this again tonight and EXTREMELY edited down with no frills.

My Mom:
Was admitted back in the hospital this past Tuesday.
She was extremely confused and not eating or drinking.
Cat Scan and EEG & EKG's are all normal.
Kidneys not functioning properly.
Toxins from poorly functioning kidneys were posioning her body.
Hence the confusion and lack of appetite.
Levels are normaling out now.
Possibly can come home Tuesday.
We'll see...

Labor Day Weekend:
My sister Connie and BIL Jim rented cabins for all of us at Grass Lake Resort in Hillman.
About 30 minutes from the Mackinaw Bridge.
We celebrated Cameron's 3rd Birthday there.
Cabins were old and rustic but big.
Our cabin was 2 bedrooms, bathroom with shower, great room aka living room and a small kitchen with a screened in front porch.
Hot water lasted approximately 5 minutes...LOL
I learned to make coffee in an old-fashioned perculator.
It was dark, rich, and so, so good in the cold northern mornings.
I saw the largest half-moon of my entire life.
It was amazing.
I didn't clear my digital camera memory or memory card before I left.
STUPID!
But I took ten digi pictures and the rest old-fashioned 35 MM.
I still love real print photos best anyway.
Ash caught a 16 inch large mouth bass.
It scared the shit out of her.
We let it go.
Cameron got tons of presents.
His favorites: 2 guitars and a wooden train set.
My Mom had a good time.
She went fishing on the pontoon.
That made me feel good.
Dennis made the most awesome breakfasts. Eva!
It took 3 hours to get there.
It was in the middle of NO WHERE!
I loved that.
It was COLD!
I hated that!
At least it wasn't 100.
My sister Elaine and I went for a ride on a row boat together.
We got stuck on a old tree that had grown up through the water.
It was extremely embarassing.
3 boats were within a 50 yards to view it.
Ugh!
I slept most of the way there.
I slept most of the way back.
I didn't want to come home.
I did anyway.

Ash:
Started High School Septemeber 5th.
Hated that!
Always makes me sad even if she does try my patience.
I miss her during the day.
We bought her first Homecoming dress already.
*Sniffling*
She will be attending the Homecoming Dance September 30th.
I miss my little girl.

Cameron:
Turned 3 on September 4th.
Also made me sad.
Where did the time go?
He wouldn't stay with his favorite Aunt Connie and Uncle Jim tonight.
I was a tiny bit sad not to be able to spend a night alone with Dennis.
But a lot secretly happy he wanted to come home with his Mommy.

Dennis:
Has to work for the next 2 weeks straight.
7 a.m. to 7 p.m. on the weekends too.
HATE THAT!
He pre-ordered the Cars DVD tonight from Walmart for 15.87.
That rocked!
He turned 36 on August 28th.
Happy birthday my love of life...

Me:
Been in a funk.
Haven't even wanted to get on the computer.
Have faced the reality my Mom will never be the same.
Mourning the loss of the Mother I knew.
Trying to enjoy the time we have.
Unbelievably sad remembering the difference only a few short months ago.
Put all the pool gadgets and toys away for winter today and cleaned the yard.
It's barren and minimalist.
I like it.
Got the holiday stuff moved to the front of the garage for easy access over the next few months.
Excited about Halloween.
My second favorite holiday.
Almost finished the flip-flop album I started.
Will post pictures soon.
Got a sinus cold.
Feel like icky crap.
Loving the smell of wet leaves and ripe apples.
Love the cooler temperatures.
Love the lack of mosquitos.
Hate the thought of raking 9000 pounds of leaves.
Could see my breath outside by 3 p.m.
Too cold.
Didn't like that much.
Had hot soup and crusty bread for dinner.
Loved that.
Wishing I were in bed with Dennis snuggling.
Off to do that now.

Peace.