Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Meet my Alter Ego...

I hate dieting.

I am not very good at self-control or self-discipline. This combined with the fact that I come from a Southern family who believes NOTHING is good unless it is fried and covered with butter or contain a pound of cheese, does not help my deep desire to be thin.

In all honesty I have never really "tried" dieting. I type it like that because I have taken diet pills, cut the fat out (When they said NO FAT was the way to go), tried Slim-Fast, Dolly Parton cabbage diet (don't ask) among others but NEVER truly commited to them.

Truth is I am married to a thin man. And there are days, more than I care to mention, that I wonder silently to myself what the hell is he doing with me!?!?! He could do SO much better. He deserves better.

It is an ugly poison that infiltrates my confident mind and makes me want to hide within turtlenecks and long pants. Usually the strong woman in me emerges after a few days and I tuck the fat hater back somewhere deep in my soul until she comes rearing her gluttonous head again.

Lately though....
She never leaves.

I have 2 thin and beautiful older sisters.
I envy them.
But I never tell them.
But the FHM (Fat Hater Me, my alter ego!) in me becomes the shy, quiet, hiding in the shadows woman when we are all together.
I hate her.

She is the same person who will suffer in 90 degree heat at the campground instead of dare to put on her swimsuit and enter the lake or pool. The same person who chooses big and baggy over fitted and stylish. The same person who makes fat jokes about herself to hide the hurt before someone else can hurt her first.

I loather her.
I have no respect for her.

And yet...
She is me.

I watched Intervention on A&E a few months or so ago and they had an episode with an anorexic woman. As I was watching with my teenage (She is 16) daughter Ash, I was also trying to explain how insane this was and how I could NEVER, EVER do that to myself. Starve myself to be thin.
But later that night after a boxing match with my alter ego FHM, I kneeled down before the toilet and stuck my finger down my throat.

After the first wretching of my guts, I sat back and caught sight of myself in the 4 foot mirrors that surround our bath tub and I cried. What the HELL am I doing? I cried for a solid 15 minutes and then picked myself up and said, NEVER AGAIN!

IN that moment of weakness I realized 2 things.
I am NOT willing to do THAT to myself, my body, or my mind to be thin.
And, that I need to be better to myself and be kind to myself. Love myself regardless of the FHM. She is a part of me, and even if I want to kill her (LOL!) she will always be there.

I started Weight Watchers 5 weeks ago. I had bought the program years ago and never tried it. So I got educated about the programs out there and decided to give it a go.

I did look at other programs.
Jenny Craig and NutriSystem were high on my list. Until I seen the price.
I'm not knocking either program, it has obviously worked for thousands of people. But I have a family and we do have a limited income as far as expenditures go. I can't afford 300.00 dollars a month on food for myself and starve my family. Which I would have to do just to buy the food monthly. And realistically what happens when you lose the weight and go back to normal food you prepare yourself?

For me, it was and is about making CHANGES.
Learning to eat better. Learning to eat less. Learning to make the right choices and be accountable to myself for them.

That is why I chose WW.

But for others, especially those who can afford it and lead hectic lives or are single, their programs might be better for them. And I say Kudos for them for making a choice to be healthy. In the end no matter what program you choose, we have the same goal.

My whole family is in essense doing WW. We eat meals I cook based on WW's points system. We have all lost weight. Minus Cameron, he eats whatever he chooses minus crap.

It hasn't been easy.
Not at all!
Mountain Dew, my liquid love, has been alotted to one can a day. And I have to count the 3 points for it. And I only allow myself to have it IF I drink 8 glasses of water during the day first. I drank nothing else before. I essentially drank my calories in pop alone.

Diet pop, doesn't work for me. It makes my mouth taste like I am munching on aluminum foil. YUK! What I wouldn't give to like Diet Coke or even Diet Mountain Dew. I have tried. I even talked to my Doctor. She said that some people have a chemical reaction to artificial sweetners that produce a metallic taste. Yay for my sucky body chemistry! NOT!

So where am I today...
I have lost 22 pounds.

I am proud of that.
But it is just a milestone.
I have more to go, much more.

Will I ever be thin?
My goal is to be more active and healthier.
And I do have a goal in mind.
But the FHM (Yes, she still lives!) isn't quite ready to share numbers with the greater population just yet.

Maybe one day.
But until then, I am proud of me.

Every day is a new day. I am proud that I can be a part of it, alter ego and all.


grungedandy said...

Hi sweetie, something is up I’ve lost you on my feeder I had to actually come to the blog & then I find this babe what's going on! there must be something in the water cause you are the 3rd or 4th blog that’s worried me this week, at the risk of writing a epic novel in the comments go read my post before the love it loath it one posted 25th Feb. you will learn a lot more about me than you might want to but it so relates to this post! You so don’t want to be going down the toilet bowl route believe me! LoL

take care Seeya hugya *G*

Melonie said...

I'm proud of you too. You have inspired me to stick to changes I recently made. 22 pounds rocks!

suebaru said...

Woohoo! Conratulations on that weight loss!! I'm trying too..I'm at a pathetic 10lbs so far ;) And guess what,I have a FHM hiding away too...

Anonymous said...

I take my hat off to you. You are doing this the right way. You should be so proud of yourself. You have inspired me to change my lifestyle. I really need to.

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